The Von Bucati Mansion
By Dan Watt
Author of the e-books Ruby Queen and Sylvia on Kobo.com; and e-books Lucy and the Snivel Chair on Amazon.com
I enjoyed the movie Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale but is it horror comedy, or horror drama?
I’m feeling a bit tipsy and I have to pee. How long does it take to get from Toronto to Lake Eugenia? There’s a mickey of Heering’s Cherry Liqueur I want to try. I’ll just guzzle it down. I really have to go! I’ll move over to one of the seats with the driver’s window behind it and knock. Nothing! We just keep moving and I don’t think I can hold it much longer.
I slide over to my original seat and undo my pants’ button. I’m not going to waste all this alcohol even if my gut bursts. I’ll make the next drink orange juice with Crystal Head Vodka. I’ll drink the first glass and pour the rest of the vodka into the brandy glass. As I swirl the glass around I hold the skull out as if I am Hamlet holding the skull of the jester, Yorick. Out loud I say, “Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.” Female actresses are so passionate and so easy to seduce if you can speak Shakespearean. Good retention along with fabulous looks means always getting the lead in plays. I forget how many girls I dated in high school and dated at the same time.
I feel calm. No one is paying attention, and I really have to go pee. The bottle of orange juice is empty and I believe its mouth is just large enough for me to use without splash back. Ahhh!
The car is stopping. Now I can’t get it out. OUCH! Come on! I’ll turn the bottle as I push down. The door is opening! I hunch down so my hands and the bottle are below the table.
A very sweet looking girl about the same height as Elizabeth Bucati is getting into the bucket seat directly across from me. Her skin is dark and smooth and what a wonderful smile. Her hair is raven black and curly flowing just to cover her shoulders. The neon blue blouse she’s wearing is unbuttoned half way down her ample bosom. And now it is getting harder to get unstuck. It doesn’t help that her trim stomach leads to sensuous legs hardly hidden by her black skirt. Or the way the cross strings of her dark blue sandals run my eyes towards her lean calves and higher.
“Are you okay?” she asks with a wonderful Jamaican accent. There’s a slight gap in her teeth as she smiles that just adds to her attractiveness.
“Drank a little too much,” I reply, slowly turning the bottle and trying not to stare at her bosom. I slip my right hand off the bottle and reach towards hers. She shakes it vigorously. “Charles,” I say, “Charles Deleppe.”
“Wanda Sikes,” she replies. “I’m Mrs. Bucati’s aesthetician.
“There are drinks below if you would like to refresh,” I tell her with my smoothest, charming voice.
“Oh, let’s see.”
As she looks at the mickeys I push down really hard. But I’m Stuck! I start pushing the bottle up and down to get it off but seeing down Wanda’s top as she looks through the bottles is having another effect. The bottle pops off and tears fill my eyes from the pain. I put the lid on and stick it into the fridge so the smell doesn’t reach her.
“I’ve never tried Tuaca Cinnaster before,” she says displaying the bottle. “Would you like to share? Are you okay?”
“Allergies,” I reply sniffing. “Yes I would. There are glasses below.” As she gets herself a brandy glass I lean back button up my pants and try start pulling my zipper up. Now I have the slider in my hand. I slip it into my dress shirt’s breast pocket. I’m going to pull my dress shirt’s hem out and just have to act Modern or just keep my jacket buttoned up the entire time.
Wanda takes a sip from her brandy glass. She leans forward staring into my eyes. “Are you related to Mrs. Von Bucati?”